I’m Ender. I’m a dad. I’m Gen X. I make games for a living now. And I spent years believing I was crazy, or brain damaged, because the person who was supposed to love me told me so, day after day after day.
I recorded this video in one take, off a list of bullet points, because I had been trying to get the words together for a long time and kept failing. It is not polished. I cry in it. I left that in.
What happened to me was psychological and emotional abuse. There was some physical, but very little, and that is the point: the thing that nearly took me apart never left a mark. Nobody sees it. I didn’t see it, for years, and I was living it.
“Ender, I love you, but there’s something wrong with your brain. I’ll always be there for you. You’re just kind of special, and your friends and family all know it. Nobody’s telling you.”What I was told, over and over, for years
If you have been through it, you will recognise this list. If you haven’t, this is what it actually looks like from the inside. None of it is dramatic. That is how it works.
I left her eight years ago. I only got out of the reactive, toxic cycle four months ago, and I have only really understood what happened in the last month or two. I have lost 30 pounds. I am training again. I am doing better than I ever have. I am home with my kids, who are dealing with their own version of the same thing, and who are in therapy. I am doing fine. And I am making games.
My last point in the video is the only one that matters: men are on the receiving end of this too. If you are a man going through it, it is not weakness to talk about it. Reach out to someone. There is help, and there are other people going through exactly what you are going through.
Part 2, how I got out, and Part 3, where I am now, are further down this page.
The first video got a question I did not expect, from people who do not know me: how did you survive it, and how did you get out? Part of the answer is who I was before I met her. Part of it was strange luck.
I had a rough childhood and lost my best friend young, so I was in therapy as a kid and learned early how my choices affect how I feel. I started martial arts young, which teaches you to de-escalate, because you are not afraid of a fight any more. I have been meditating since I was twelve. And I spent years waiting tables, which taught me to keep my mouth shut when people are nasty. That cuts both ways. It is mental strength, and it is also exactly what lets you sit inside an abuse cycle and call it a customer service skill.
The luck was uglier. We were already broken up and I was still supporting the whole family, stuck, because I was not going to leave my kids with her and I had no way to take them. Then she took up an extreme ideology, and a man from across the country who shared it moved in with her and started threatening me. That is what finally forced a plan. I called the FBI hotline, I called child protective services, I got a lawyer, and I spent a month barely sleeping. When everything was in place I packed up in the middle of the night, took my kids, and left.
The one rule that got me through all of it: don’t react, respond. Reacting is where people make mistakes. Step back, admit to yourself that you are overwhelmed, write things down, make a plan.
If you are planning to leave, a lawyer before you move is worth more than one after, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline will help you build a safety plan. Keep the plan to yourself until it is done.
Part 3, where I am now, is next: the life after, and how I went from driving a truck to shipping games on Steam.
Hello. This is Ender Knight again. In my last video I talked about what I went through, and I’ve had people who didn’t really know me ask me how I survived all this and finally got out. I think people are really curious about it. Frankly, some of this is who I’d become over a lifetime, and some of it was just really strange luck. So I decided I’d make my “how I got here” video. Again, I have bullet points, because I need them.
The start of this, the foundation, is that I did have a little bit of a rough childhood. People who know me know this. I lost my best friend at a young age. I had therapy at a young age, and going through that therapy allowed me to understand my feelings, and how life and my choices affect my feelings, at a much earlier age than most adults.
It also motivated me to get involved in martial arts at a young age. Training martial arts, you learn how to not just take a hit and defend yourself, but to de-escalate confrontation, because you’re not afraid of combat any more. And just to stay calm, because you’re not afraid of punches any more.
At the age of twelve I started meditating, which is not very mainstream either. I just learned to center myself when I was feeling my emotions get too high, and it allowed me to sleep better at night.
I got into customer service at a pretty young age, in my teens, which is really a double-edged sword. For anyone who’s done it: you do customer service, I was waiting tables for years, and you learn to keep your mouth shut when people are nasty to you. That gives you the mental strength to be able to do that. At the same time, in a relationship, it can allow you to let yourself be abused, essentially. Because you’re used to it, you accept this abuse cycle. You might reason it out as a customer service skill.
So people get stuck in this cycle, and you can’t leave because you’ve got kids. And of course I love my kids. I’m not going to leave my kids with somebody like this, and I had no ability to take them either. So you’re just sitting there, stuck. You’re trying to make the best of it. You’re still making plans for the future.
Her and I were broken up over various differences, and I was continuing to support the whole family. Still making plans. A pretty reasonable guy who’s pretty easy to get along with.
And then, of all things, the wildest thing. First she announced these ideological beliefs. I really don’t want to get into a whole political debate, so we’ll just say extreme ideology. And then a man from across the country moves in with her, impregnates her. He’s part of this extreme ideology. He’s dangerous. He starts threatening me. It turns out he’s on an FBI watch list, I’m fairly certain, from what I’ve been told.
So I reached out to the FBI and let them know what was going on. I didn’t hear anything; I just reached out to their hotline. I reached out to child protective services. I got a lawyer, and I made a plan.
Something I always say is: don’t react, but definitely respond. Reacting is where people make mistakes. You have to be able to step back, and if you’re overwhelmed, you have to be able to recognize that you’re overwhelmed, as an adult, and somehow step back and reset, and be able to write things down and make a plan.
So I spent a month barely sleeping. Absolutely terrified, wondering every night: is this crazy man going to come bursting into my house? Meanwhile, I’ve got to keep it together. I had a regular job and a career, and my kids.
Once everything was in place, about a month later, I had to pack up in the middle of the night. Stay up all night, not tip anybody off, get my kids, and leave.
In a lot of ways I’m very thankful. Because without all of my childhood events that turned me into who I am now, and the very bizarre turn of events of who she chose to turn into and date, I would probably still be trapped in that abusive loop, of her continuing to tell me that she loved me like a brother and will always love me, but I’m mentally challenged. And I’m going to stop, because I don’t want to get into that loop again.
I just want to say, for the guys that don’t have the sort of background that I have: what you can build on now is, start talking to a therapist. Start figuring out a daily practice, maybe some sort of meditation. There might be a local place nearby where some old guy teaches a kung fu class. Even if you think it’s silly, just sign up. It’ll help you. And old friends. Find your old friends and your family, who will remind you of who you are, and that you’re not crazy, and that there’s nothing wrong with you. And document everything, and make a plan before you leave. That’s the advice I have for you.
Yeah, I guess that’s all I got.
People asked where I am at today. The short answer: I am a stay-at-home dad building a new life with my kids, and I make games for a living, by myself, with an AI writing the code I used to think needed a team of two hundred.
The surprise after the first two videos was who wrote to me. A lot more men messaged me privately than liked or commented. Nothing weird, just men who were thankful somebody said it out loud. That tells you how many are out there, scared, going through this. I think the numbers we have are low.
For years I was in survival mode: pay the bills, provide, put your dreams on the back burner because the kids come first. I was driving a truck. But I was the kid in the attic at eight years old with my mom’s electronics kit and my grandpa’s hand-me-down computers, before Windows. I modded games as a teenager. At 21 I had an internship at a game company as a 3D artist, applying motion capture and building faces, and I saw exactly how games get made: two hundred coders and a year per game. Not something one person does. Or so I thought.
Two years ago, over the road, I bought books and started reteaching myself modern coding. Then in May 2026 a friend called me, excited, and said AI for coding had gotten genuinely good. I had written AI off as spaghetti code. He is a smart guy, so I looked, and there was something there. I downloaded Unity on May 23rd, figured out how to wire Claude Code into the project so it writes all the back-end code, and networked my other computers to do the compiling, testing and debugging. That left me doing what I actually love: the game design and the art. My youngest daughter and I made it a learning project, and by August Catnip Wars was on Steam. She play-tested an hour at a time while I sat with a clipboard writing down every “Dad, this sucks,” and we went back and fixed it until it was fun, multiplayer, and something a kid and a grandparent can play together.
On the AI hate: a lot of the concerns are fair, and I am not here for the politics. For me, a single dad with no budget and nearly forty years of computers, it is simple. I cannot pay two hundred programmers. This is the only way a one-man studio exists. Cradle of Ash ships by Halloween, two more games are in the pipeline, and none of them will be janky. I would not put my name on something I was not proud of.
To the guys watching who gave up on their dreams: start small. One step in front of the other. I spent years surviving and telling myself everything was cool, and it was not. Look at the patterns between you and the people around you, set clear boundaries, learn to say no, and stand up for yourself. I am finally remembering who I am, and I feel good again.
If enough people ask, the next video is the full breakdown of the AI workflow, start to finish. Ask in the comments on Part 3.
Hello again, this is Ender Knight. I just wanted to do another one of these. I know, three videos in three days. Who does that, right? My last two videos, I talked about what I went through and how I got out of all that. I’ve had people ask me where I’m at today. What’s going on? Because obviously I just went through a lot of stuff. So I want to talk about that. Fair warning: I’m very emotional. If you watched my first two videos, you know that I’ll probably cry. I’m very comfortable with that. It’s just sort of my norm right now. I know most guys aren’t, so that’s a fair warning. Of course, I have my bullet points, because I need those.
Quick recap if you didn’t watch the videos: I shifted careers. I’m a stay-at-home dad now. I’m building a whole new life with me and my kids.
Sharing my story really lifted this big burden. I had this weird feeling like the guy from Office Space, if you know what I mean. I’m just vibing my way through right now. I’m just going with it. It’s cool. I didn’t get any negative messages at all, which really surprised me. I thought I was going to get a fair amount of that, to be honest.
A lot more men actually messaged me privately than liked or commented on the videos. I was surprised. Nothing weird, just people that were thankful to hear my story, that I was being open about it. It really just shows you how many men are out there that are scared, that are going through something like this. I think the numbers that we see may not even be 100% accurate. And if that’s you, I don’t know. This is why I’m making this.
Basically, for years of what I was going through, I was in survival mode. Just paying bills, providing. That’s what you do. Your dreams go on the back burner when your kids are a priority, and it’s easy to lose yourself. I’m not trying to get into all that, but for me, I was trucking to make a living.
When I was a kid, I was really into computers. I was eight years old in the attic with my mom’s electronics kit, messing with computers, hand-me-downs from my grandpa. It was before Windows, which is really rare for people my age. I was modding games as a teenager, a little bit of hacking maybe. I was doing some graphic arts. I had an internship when I was 21 at a gaming company, and there was no real money in it at the time. I’m a 3D artist. I can do all kinds of things with computers, but primarily I’m a 3D artist. I was applying motion capture and sound and doing a lot of faces, but neither here nor there. The experience was great. I got to learn exactly how games were made, but it’s a 200-man team of coders and it takes a year. It’s ridiculous. So for someone like me, it was kind of, whatever. There are some indie game devs out there. I’ve followed some, and it’s a really cool thing, and I wanted to get into it.
So two years ago, while truck driving over the road, I got some books and I started reteaching myself some more modern coding, and looking at game design stuff. I hadn’t really decided on which game design program I wanted to use.
And my buddy calls me up. This is just in May, just this year, 2026. My buddy calls me up and he is super excited. He’s like, dude, AI for coding is awesome now. You’ve got to check it out. He had been kind of talking to me about it. He said there was this big thing that happened in December and it got way better. And I’m like, AI has been spaghetti coding, and something I just don’t want to deal with, for a long time. But he’s a really smart guy, so I’m like, all right, I’m going to take a look at it. And I started checking it out and I’m like, there’s really something here. This is pretty interesting. So I downloaded it mid-May and started messing with it, and I’m like, this is pretty cool.
So I downloaded Unity in May. I think it was May 23rd. I figured out how to tie Claude Code into my Unity to do all the back-end coding for me, so I could do game design and focus on the creative aspect and the art aspect, and do what I love to do creatively, and it does all the technical stuff. So I figured out how to do that. I actually figured out how to network four computers, so I’ve got my other computers doing the compiling, decompiling, debugging, nerdy stuff. Sorry for people who aren’t nerdy. But anyway, it’s really exciting stuff. It allowed me to put together a game.
Essentially, just to wrap your head around this: I downloaded the programs at the end of May, was figuring it out, and decided to do a learning project with my kids. My youngest daughter particularly had a lot to do with the creation of this game. It’s kind of our vision that we built together. And by August, so May, June, July, August, I was able to have a game made and produced on Steam. It’s called Catnip Wars. You can look it up on Steam. This is a dad moment. It’s not a pitch, but it’s a real thing that I did: within three months, from truck driver to producing a game.
My daughter would play-test the game and I’d sit there with a clipboard for an hour while she play-tests, and all these, Dad, this sucks. So I’d write all these changes down. I’d have a whole page of all these things and I’d go back at it and we’d adjust. Over time we developed the game until it was fun. It’s a multiplayer game, and I wanted it to be multigenerational, so you don’t have to be good at games or even know what you’re doing, and you can have fun with your kids and play this game. Anyway, that totally sounded like a pitch. I promise that wasn’t the plan. I’m just going through my bullet points and I go off on tangents.
On the AI hate, though, I do feel a need to bring this up. I think that many of the concerns are fair. I don’t want to get into a political thing over the AI hate. For me, a single dad in my situation with nearly 40 years of computer experience over a broad range of things: I have no budget. I can’t pay 200 programmers to sit there behind me and code for me. This just enabled me to create an entire game company from scratch in a matter of months.
And I was just learning. I have another game I’m planning on releasing next week, by Halloween. I’m going to do a shameless plug. It’s called Cradle of Ash. It’s pretty fun, I’ve got to say. It’s on Steam right now. I’ve got two other games in the pipeline, and I’m planning on having more games out, and they’re good games. They’re not janky, cruddy games. I wouldn’t put my name on something that was not good, or something I wasn’t proud of.
I should say, to the guys watching this: if you’ve given up, if you stopped your dreams, I just want to say, start picking things up. Start small. It’s just one step in front of the other. I spent many years just surviving, in survival mode, and thinking everything was cool. I had my games and my whatever, and it’s not cool. You’ve got to look at the patterns of what’s going on between you and the people around you, and have clear boundaries, and learn to say no, and learn to stand up for yourself.
And now that I’m finally remembering who I am and feeling good again, I just, anyway, I guess that’s all. I might make another one later on, like how I’m doing all the AI, if people ask me, because it’s pretty freaking cool, I’ve got to say. Anyway, thank you.
These are real lines, staffed by people who will not laugh at you. Men call them every day.
If you are outside the US or UK, search “domestic abuse helpline men” plus your country. Most countries have one now, and the people answering have heard it all before. You will not be the first man to call.
More than 1 in 6 men in the US have experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
About 1 in 7 men have experienced physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
About 1 in 8 men experienced that violence and at least one related impact, such as fear, injury, missing work, or needing help.
Source: CDC, National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, 2023/2024. Psychological aggression, the kind of abuse I describe above, is counted in the same survey and is the most common form of intimate partner violence against men. It leaves no bruise and almost never gets reported.
Hello. I’m Ender. I’m a dad. I’m Gen X, if that means anything to you. We’re not known for being the most sensitive types. I guess it doesn’t really matter, but I’m not somebody who people would say is some sort of a crybaby or anything like that.
I’ve been really wanting to tell my story. I’m sorry. I’ve had a hard time just putting together words and getting the strength to do it. I’m going to try and get this out. I do have bullet points.
I want to make this video because I just spent years thinking that there was something wrong with me. That I was crazy, or had brain damage or something. Because someone that I thought loved me was telling me that, day after day after day. I’m not sure if people can really understand that. The years of thinking that you’re just…
Anyway. I’m going to go through my bullet points here, because it’s hard for me to talk about.
First off, who I was when I met her. I went out to Seattle to train in martial arts. Just a confident, in-shape, very disciplined guy, working in restaurants.
She chased after me for a really long time. I kind of kept her at arm’s reach, and she chased and chased and promised me the world. Just lifted me up. That intoxicating feeling when somebody thinks that you’re just everything. You’re a genius, you’re so attractive, everything about me. She just lifted me up so much.
Then we get together, and don’t get me wrong, it was pretty wild. We had kids pretty quick. We decided we wanted a pretty good-sized family. We were going to have three kids and said, “Let’s just have them all back to back.” Yeah. That was a great idea.
As soon as she was pregnant, she was constantly accusing me of being interested in other women, of talking to other women. I shifted to being the sole support for the family, and she would call me dozens of times during my work shifts, regularly. I gave her full access to my phone, my emails, everything. Just: here you go, here’s everything I’ve got, I’m not hiding anything. My bank accounts, everything. Just to try to stop the screaming, the accusations, the yelling. I just wanted a decent environment.
I was working in restaurants, mostly split shifts, so I got to work lunch and dinner. I’d go in to open at ten in the morning, and I’d get home at eleven, twelve at night. I’d get home, and I don’t need to get into it, but the house would always be trashed. The kids weren’t fed. She was often intoxicated. And immediate accusations. A fight would start almost immediately.
I got blamed for everything. I felt that I was doing everything and she would just put me down. The emasculation would start, the constant insults, saying that basically I was doing the bare minimum.
At one point she said that my fitness was a problem. She was in tears asking me to stop working out, because I was so fit and getting attention from women. So I did, and said, you know, we’ll get fit together later. And then a couple of years, a few years, I don’t know how long down the line, she turned the story around and said, well, I lost weight, so she lost interest in me. Made me sound like I was lazy or whatever. Just more of the insults, the blaming, shifting, changing the story.
Then the isolation really started. Constant reinforcement that no one liked me. That all my friends and family didn’t really like me. That I was basically living in a fantasy world. Sorry about that.
She just kept saying, I mean, if you can imagine your wife who loves you looking at you and saying: “Ender, I love you, Ender, but there’s something wrong with your brain. And I’ll always love you, and I’ll always be there for you, but you’re just kind of special, you know? And your friends and family, everybody knows it. Nobody’s telling you.” They’re just sort of, like, I’m their special friend. They’re just patting me on the head like, “Oh yeah, you’re smart.”
To the point where I’m completely questioning my reality and my sanity. Because this goes on for years. And this is somebody you’re supposed to trust and love.
So I hit a point. I started crying uncontrollably at one point on the way to work. I remember I didn’t understand why I was crying. I felt calm, but I was crying. It was very strange. I went in, and anyway, I got some Xanax for a week. It was figured it was a stress-related breakdown. I was okay after that.
I’ve never had any thoughts of self-harm or violence from any of this. Just to be clear, there’s no danger or anything to worry about there. I think I’m pretty aware. I wasn’t aware of what was going on for a long time.
I couldn’t talk to my friends, because I’m not sure people can understand the shame, and it’s probably worse as a man. The shame of wanting to confront my friends and be like, hey, am I your mentally challenged special friend that you’ve had for thirty-plus years and you just never told me? How do you bring that up? So you don’t really want to talk to your friends much.
I just started feeling like I was garbage. I stopped showering for weeks on end. I didn’t care about changing my clothes. I was not taking care of myself at all. And like I said, I didn’t feel like I was depressed. I was just like, well, I can provide for my family. I’m just going to keep providing for my family, roof over their head. Clearly I’m capable of holding a job and having a career, because I provided for my family for a decade. So I can’t be that bad.
I’d get home and I didn’t want to go inside. I’d come home and just park for an hour or two sometimes in the driveway. Sometimes she’d see me and come out, and then it was just a problem, because how dare I. Of course.
If I went inside, though, it’s walking on eggshells, because it was going to be a fight and it didn’t matter. I wouldn’t say anything. I’d walk in, I’d go through the piles of trash, I wouldn’t say a word. I’d walk over to the sink, try to judge her mood, figure out if I could say hi and ask how her day was or if I should just not say a word. Start doing dishes. And then she’d jump in that I was doing dishes and be like, “Oh, I was going to do it.” And I’m like, “It’s okay, I got it.” It would turn into a fight. “It’s okay, I got it. Can we just not fight?” Every day. Every day. Screamed at, yelled at, chased around. Sorry.
A big turning point for me: I was working over the road and I was in a hotel. Besides this particular moment, I mean, I have a lot of friends, but in this particular moment I had a coworker of mine who kind of saw what I was going through and talked to me a little bit. He was like, “Dude, I’m taking you out tonight. You need to talk to people. You need to take a shower. You need to be a human being, brother.” I’m not sure I would have pulled out of my nose dive. I don’t know what to say, but it was…
It’s something that, again, as a man, not to make this a sexist thing, but men don’t support each other the way women generally do. Women have so much support, and men don’t support each other, and women don’t support men. I tried going into an abuse shelter at one point and I could just feel them laughing at me. I left.
So anyway, after I pulled myself out of this, I did a lot of research. I had a friend of mine who was suggesting the term narcissism. I had never heard that term before. I started looking into it a little bit. I learned about terms like reactive abuse and manipulation. I started realizing that I might not be crazy, and maybe I wasn’t brain damaged. Maybe I was really smart. Maybe my feelings were valid.
Where I’m at right now is I’m just trying to recover from this. I broke up with her eight years ago, and I only got away from the reactive, toxic abuse cycle four months ago, and I’ve only really wrapped my head around it in the last month or two. I’ve lost thirty pounds. I’m doing better than ever. But now I’m home with my kids, and they’re dealing with the same trauma, because she isn’t just like this with me. I’ve got my kids for the most part. She still has visitation. We don’t need to get into this. They’re in therapy. I wish I could be in therapy, but I’m just trying to make do. Sorry. I’m just trying to…
Anyway, my last point is just, for anybody who saw this, I just want you to realize that men are on the receiving end of this too. It might be a little jaded, I would say maybe more often, but that was my perspective. Any men out there: it’s not a weakness to talk about what you’re going through. Okay? Reach out to people. There’s help. There’s other people who are going through it.
M.O.T.I.S.